Humour
Jokes of scientists
The IgNobel Prize
How do they make it ?

- What is a polar bear ?
- A Cartesian bear after a change of co-ordinates.

There are three kinds of mathematicians : those who can count and those who don't know.
There are three kinds of people : those who think than the world can be separate in two parts and those who don't think so.
There are 10 kinds of people : those who understand the binary code and those who don't understand it.
There are 10 kinds of people : those who understand the ternary code, those who don't understand it and those who believe it's binary.

Several demonstrations that all odd numbers are prime :
- The mathematician : 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, and by recurrence all the odd numbers higher than 2 are prime.
- The physicist : 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is an error of measurement, 11 is prime...
- The biologist : 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9, the results did not arrive yet...
- The chemist : 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime, 11 is prime...
- The data processing specialist : 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime...
- The ingenieur : 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is almost prime, 11 is prime...

A biologist, a physicist and a mathematician sat with the terrace of a coffee and look at the passers by. On the other side of the street, a man and a woman enter a building. A little later they bring out with a third anybody.
The biologist : « they reproduced »
The physicist : « no, it is an error of measurement »
The mathematician : « if somebody enters in the building, it will be empty »

An ingenieurs wakes up and smells a smoke. He comes in the corridor and sees a fire. He puts water in his room's trashcan and stops the fire. Then he goes back to sleep.
A physicist wakes up and smells a smoke. He comes in the corridor and sees a fire. He runs to a fire hydrant and after he calculated the speed of fire, the distance, the pressure of water and the trajectory, he stops the fire with the minimal quantity of water and energy. Then he goes back to sleep.
A mathematician wakes up and smells a smoke. He comes in the corridor and sees a fire. He thinks a moment and says « There is a solution ! ». Then he goes back to sleep.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are in a camping. During the night, Holmes wakes up and shakes Watson :
- Watson, look at the sky and tell me what you see.
- I see millions and millions of stars.
- So, what do you deduce ?
Watson thinks that this time, he will make a good impression on Holmes by making more deductions than him :
- Well, Holmes, it's complicate, it depends on the point of view. Astronomically, I deduce there probably are billions of planets. Astrologically, I see that Saturn is in the Lion, that's a good sign. For the hour, I think it's almost quarter past three. And I think we'll have a good weather tomorrow. And you ?
Holmes doesn't talk during a little moment...
- And me, Watson, I deduce that someone stole the tent.

Two technicians call ingenieurs to help them :
- We need to know the height of this electric pole.
- That's easy, you just have to pull it down and to mesure it... Exactly 4 meters !
Once ingenieurs have left, technicians say :
- How stupid they are. We ask them the height and they give us the length !

The shortest way of a point to another is the straight line, provided that they are well one opposite the other.

Archimede's principle : Every body that is plunged in watter and that doesn't come up in 2 hours is lost.

It happens in 2038, in the brains' fare. Students have become stupid and every year, they need to buy a new brain. In one pit, one reads : « biologist's brain 96€/kg, mathematician's brain 100€/kg, physician's brain 90€/kg, ingenieur's brain 1200€/kg ». A curious student asks the seller :
- Why is the ingenieur's brain so expensive ?
- Do you know how many ingenieurs we need to have one kg of brain ?

It happens in 2038, in the brains' fare. Students have become stupid and every year, they need to buy a new brain. In one pit, one reads : « biologist's brain 96€/kg, mathematician's brain 100€/kg, physician's brain 90€/kg, ingenieur's brain 1200€/kg ». A curious student asks the seller :
- Why is the ingenieur's brain so expensive ?
- Because you are sure it wasn't used already !

Love is like mathematics, a little inattention and 1 + 1 = 3.

How do you call a Kinder Surprise without any surprise ?
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
An Injective Kinder. Because its kernel is trivial...

Let us finish with an extract of the superfluous dictionary of Pierre Desproges :

Larminier (Pierre-Henri), French scientist and researcher celebrate to have overcome cancer (1931 - 1984)
Male nurse in the service of cancerology of a hospital of the Paris area, Larminier was to note, after many steppings and observations carried out in 1983 on more than thousand cases that :
1. The patients coming for the first time in consultation from cancerology go there by their own means, only and on their two legs, perfectly valid.
2. With each following visit, the patients give increasingly visible signs of exhaustion. Some, even very young people, lose their hair suddenly and become gradually bouffis of face as under the effect of certain poisons or absorptive alcohols with toxic amounts.
3. As soon as these patients cease going in their cancer specialist, their disorders disappear, their hair push back, their face takes again a normal aspect and their general tiredness grows blurred.
4. If, after an average lapse of time evaluated at two years minimum and seven years maximum, these patients turn over to see their cancer specialist, the disorders referred to above settle again and, this time, in an irreversible way.
5. The observation of these phenomena thus proves in a formal way that cancer is a disease caused by the cancer specialists.